MERRY CHRISTMAS!

David Blaine is enormous 

That's all I've got for you today. Stay warm and have a gay Christmas, in the old timey sense of course.

...but if you feel the need why not treat yourself to some same sex smooching? It's going to be 2009 people, get with the times! I mean Jesus Christ!

Oh by the way, happy birthday Jesus Christ, I hope you get that Bratz video game you wanted.

The 1st Annual Leary Awards Part 2, Plus - How To Be A Succussful Comedian

I'm back with a few more Leary Awards so you can now safely unclench your cheeks and release your thumb from your ass. Let'sa go!

MOVIES cont'd 

THE MOVIE I"LL USE AS AN INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO FOR FATHERING A CHILD AWARD: THERE WILL BE BLOOD 

Note: Yea, I know that Daniel Plainviews neglect led to H.W getting his eardrums blown out, but I think it gave the kid character

THE HOLY SHIT BEN AFFLECK CAN DIRECT AWARD: GONE BABY GONE

Note: Did you know Ben Affleck could direct? I didn't know, did you know? Cause I didn't. Did Juno? I sure as hell didn't know. Are you sure you didn't know? Don't get me wrong I don't dislike big Ben like many others seem to. He's done a few good flicks and comes across as having a good sense of humor. I just didn't know the bloke had it in him to direct a captivating crime drama that rivaled Mystic River. Ben Ooflack either suprised us with this newfound behind the camera talent, or Matt Damon secretly directed Gone Baby Gone and gave Benny the credit as a Kwanzaa gift. I'm on the fence as to which theory is true. 

THE HOLY SHIT COLIN FERRELL CAN ACT AWARD: IN BRUGES:

Note: In Bruges was one of my favorite movies of 2008. It was definitely a sleeper hit because I know about 2 people who have actually seen it. This movie won a Holy Shit award along with Gone Baby Gone because Colin Farrell surprised me so much with his performance that I poo'd a little in my gym shorts. Over the years I've come to dislike Colin Farrell because he's one of those actors that's better at smoking cigarettes, wearing winter hats in summer, and being sexily incoherent than actually acting. I definitely gained some respect for the Irishman after this movie which I'm sure he thoroughly appreciated. 

TELEVISION

THE REASON WHY THE TERRORISTS HATE OUR FREEDOM AWARD: EVERY DATING SHOW ON VH1

Note: Come on, really? It's like, ugh. You know? I mean, christ.

THE SHOW I REFUSE TO ADMIT IS GOING DOWN HILL (EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT IS) AWARD: SOUTH PARK

Note: The fact of the matter is though that even at it's worst it's better than 86.7% of what's currently on television.

THE SHOW I'M SURE IS FANTASTIC AWARD: MADMAN

Note: Okay, I believe you, it seems really good. I swear I'll start watching it. I would have totally started watching it this year but I hate just jumping into a show without starting from the beginning. I'm totally going to get the first season on DVD when it comes out. It's already out? Oh, well I'll Netflix it once I find the sleeves for P.S I Love Y... I mean the new Rambo and Transporter 3, because I'm a man and I rent tough shit with explosions.

FUNNIEST NEW SHOW AWARD: SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH

Note: Please watch this show. I will take it as a personal insult if you don't go to HBO On Demand and watch the whole season in one sitting

Alright, enough of that bullshit, it was becoming old hat. Now on to...

HOW TO BECOME A SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN

I myself am not a comedian. I've never claimed to be one nor have I ever attempted the art. That does not change the fact that I absolutely know what it takes to be a great comedian. It also doesn't change the fact that I could be a great stand up comedian if I felt like it, it just so happens that I don't feel like it at the moment. Maybe I'll feel like it later on, who knows. Anyway, I figured I'd help the aspiring comedians that read my blog by dishing out some top of the line tips on how to get the guffaws out of the comedy club crowd.  

Tip #1: Go to as many open mics as possible. You can't get better unless you practice your craft every chance you get. Who cares if only 3 people are in the audience, make it your mission to get those 3 people laughing.

Tip #2: Do you have a goofy Hawaiian shirt or a graphic T that says "Who Farted?" or "Hispanic at the Disco"? Wear it. Nothing says comedy like a silly shirt. Think about it, you'll get the crowd laughing before you even start your material. 

Tip #3: If you hair isn't naturally bleach blonde, then bleach it blonde. I don't know why this works but it does. Oh and grow a sole patch and bleach that blonde as well. Once again it's just one of those mysterious tricks of the trade.

Tip #4 Go blue. People are stupid. They love jokes about farts and bowel movements. People also love the word fuck. You should be saying fuck at least 30 times per set. Shoot for a 2 fucks per sentences goal. 

Tip #5 If things are starting to go down hill use a phrase like "Is this thing on?". You see this is funny because clearly the microphone is on, unless the microphone is actually off. If this is the case do not actually say "Is this thing on?" rather go backstage and yell at whoever is running the show. Yell and yell and yell. People who put together comedy shows love a comedian with some moxy. When you go back stage and say that the head of the show "better turn on the goddamn microphone or else you're going to stick your Keds up his dickhole", you're showing everyone involved that you're a professional who takes his comedy seriously. 

Those were just 5 solid tips to help you out in your comedy career. I have plenty more but I obviously can't give away all my secrets in one sitting. If you use these morsels of advice when hitting the stage then your welcome. It must feel great on top. When your up their though don't forget to give me a little shout out! Just kidding, just knowing that you made it is enough of a reward for me. 

My Vampire Friend Is Mad

Vampires have become extremely popular these days. The undead are now the main characters in box office crushing films and stylized HBO series. While you're watching your True Twilights and your Twilight Bloods (yes I know those are incorrect titles, I'm trying to sound like I'm too cool to remember what they're actually called) remember this... not everyone is pleased about the new influx of vampires in the spotlight. I know you are probably audibly asking me what people I'm referring to as you intently read my blog. Well I'll tell you what people, people. People like my friend Jeff. That's right, Jeff is not a happy camper. Jeff is my friend, and my friend Jeff is vampire. Jeff is a real person and my friend... and an undead being with a lust for blood (technically making him not a person, but ya'll nah wa I'm sayin'). I know it's easy to believe that I have a vampire friend so I'm sure there won't be any naysaying from the peanut gallery. 

When I realized how perturbed Jeff was about this whole vampire craze I called a bunch of my big shot producer friends to see if any new vamp series or vamp films were in the works. Well ladies and gentlemen there are, and I had the unfortunate duty of telling Jeff that the new Bachelor is going to be a vampire, Interview with the Vampire is being retooled into a three camera sitcom, and Patrick Swayze's new cop drama "The Beast" is set to premiere on A&E much sooner than expected. Needless to say Jeff was livid. Liv-ah-id. 

Jeff is actually here with me right now and I decided to let him take over the typewriter and express his feelings on what he considers "a worldwide bat-tastrophy".

 The floor is yours Jeff

Jeff: Thank you Matt. Before I begin I'd like to let everyone know that I did not say bat-tastrophy. I actually find that play on words to be in very bad taste and think that Matt should be ashamed of himself. Speaking of ashamed, you should all be ashamed of yourselves as well. I can't believe you, the American people, the proud and the few are accepting, even cheering this false depiction of vampires in the media. I am a true vampire and I'm here to put the word out that the vampires you see in Twilight, True Blood, and Blade III are completely inaccurate. When I see these actors pretending to be vampires it's like I'm an African American watching a minstrel show, or Wayne Brady improv showcase. It's downright offensive. First off, vampires do not look like heroin chic models, alright? We don't wear pricey Dolce and Gabbana jeans and have sexy bed head. We have slicked back black hair, black capes with red velvet inseams and  puffy white tuxedo shirts. Sometimes we wear vests, it depends on our mood, okay? Most importantly folks, we all have widows peaks, no exceptions. This is the way we dress and do our hair and last I checked it's always been this way... and yes I check a lot. To turn on HBO and see a leather clad BLONDE HAIRED vampire makes me spin in my grave. Annnnd another thing! Not once in Twilight or True Blood does a vampire say "I vant to suck your blood" before actually doing the deed. That is what we say! Not a feeding goes by where we do not recite those lines! Christ, did you "writers" even do your research? Oh, oh, oh annnnd anoootttthhhhher thhhhing! True Blood is set in Louisiana! We do not reside in Louisiana. The only place we reside is Transilvania... and sometimes we move to coal mining towns outside of Pittsburgh, but only for a few years at a time! I need to go, the sun is coming up and I need to cool my jets with a nice cat nap. Fuck you America, and fuck you Matt!

Hey, it's Matt again. Doesn't he mean a nice bat nap?Har har har oh well. 

While I still have you here I figure I'll recommend a great music site. It's called 

www.daytrotter.com

It's one of the better places for discovering new music. What they do is have bands come into their studio and record what they like to call a "Daytrotter session", fancy I know. After they post these recordings you folks get to download them and put them on the ol' ipod contraption. A lot of times the bands will play songs from their newest albums and also some unreleased tracks which I think is totally fresh. Some of the sessions I recommend checking out are:

Ra Ra Riot

Margot and the Nuclear So and So's 

Bon Iver

Vampire Weekend

The Mountain Goats

Dr. Dog

The National

What's also cool is that they have the sessions streaming so you don't have to download them if you don't want to. SUPER!

I'll see you next time with the rest of the 1st Annual Leary Awards

The 1st Annual Leary Awards

2008 is coming to a close my friends which means that 2009 is coming to an open. During the first half of this year I was finishing up my college education. Unfortunately this means that I spent a lot of my time stereotypically bro-ing out with an abundance of road sodas and brew-dogs, so the ol' memory is a bit hazy. Although this is the case I can proudly say at no point during this time did I wear a lacrosse pinney with no shirt underneath, actually call anyone a bro, hate gay people, or get in a fight over the Yankees and the Red Sox... so three cheers for me! Anyway, the few things that did stay lodged in my noggin this year were of course my snobby opinions on pop culture. My problem now is that I don't know what to do with all this opinionated knowledge... wait, I just figured it out right now! I'll give out unique and interesting awards! And call them the Leary Awards! And then I'll become famous! I'll end up being the Perez Hilton of blogging! Alright I'm getting a little ahead of myself. How about I just start announcing my prestigious awards and see where it takes me? You agree that I should do that as well? Ok then...

In the catogory of Music:

THE BAND THAT MOST MAKES ME WANT TO GROW A BEARD, WEAR FLANNEL, AND DO DRUGS IN THE WOODS AWARD: BON IVER

Honorable Mention: Fleet Foxes

www.myspace.com/boniver

BEST BAND WITH THE WORST NAME AWARD: DR. DOG

Note: I avoided this band for a year because I got it mixed up with Keanu Reeves' band, Dogstar

www.myspace.com/drdog

BAND THAT TRIED WAY TO HARD TO SOUND LIKE A HAPPY VERSION OF THE CURE BUT FAILED MISERABLY AWARD: BLACK KIDS

Note: I am slightly biased towards this band due to the fact that I have to clap to their hit song with a big goofy smile on my face everytime I'm at work.

GROUP THAT MIGHT MAKE ME LIKE HIP HOP AGAIN AWARD: THE KNUX

www.myspace.com/theknux

GROUP THAT WILL REMIND ME THAT I DON'T LIKE HIP HOP AWARD: SHWAYZE

BAND THAT I'M CONVINCED I'LL BE ON THE FENCE ABOUT FOREVER AWARD: MGMT

Note: Alright the first half of their album, Oracular Spectacular, is damn good but the rest is a bit lacking. Also, I feel like if I met them and told them I like their music they would mock me when I walked away.

Movies:

HORROR MOVIE THAT RELIED TOO MUCH ON CREEPY MASKS AWARD: THE STRANGERS

Note: When the movie first started I was like "Ahh! Those masks are so spooky!" Then when nothing happened for an hour except Dennis from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's head getting blown off the masks became a little less spooky and I found myself hoping their would be a Liv Tyler nipple slip. You know a movie is bad when you're hoping to see the tit of a woman scared to death and running for her life. Maybe that just means I'm a weird pervert. Either way, their was no nipple slip so... bummer.

BEST BATMAN MOVIE OF THE YEAR AWARD: THE DARK KNIGHT

Note: Of all the Batman movies that came out this year The Dark Knight was the best, hands down... hands up!...and hands down! Now spin!... now clap! Sorry I'm a little drunk

THE MOVIE THAT MADE ME WISH I WAS ROBERT DOWNEY JR AWARD: ALL OF THEM

There you have it! The first half of 1st Annual Leary Awards. Weren't they fantastic? I know, rigggghhht. 

Next week I'll be bringing you the second half of the movie awards and all of the TV awards. 

Playing with Lincoln Blogs!

Hey gang! This is my second entry and I'm already going to stray away from my original format. It's mainly because I'm a rebellious youth but it's also because I have a radical new segment I want massage into your deltoids. It's called...

COMPLETELY TRUE ENTERTAINMENT NEWS THAT IS TOTALLY TRUE AND NOT FALSE

OK let me explain. I have a lot of connections in Hollywood. Like A LOT. This means that I'm consistently in the know when it comes to top secret entertainment info. To be honest, it gets a bit tiresome. Sometimes it's like, "Come on Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy, stop telling me all this cool stuff about the music industry that no one knows yet, I'm really busy" or it's like, "Hey Martin Lawerence, I know you're my boy and I know you love to share all this secret movie news to me but sometimes it's a bit too much". What I recently realized though is that there are so many people out there who would love to know all the little hush hush nuggets of news that my celebrity friends whisper in my ear. It would be downright selfish of me not to feed these people all this unbelievably legit but unknown movie, TV, and music news. That is why I'm here to bring you...

COMPLETELY TRUE ENTERTAINMENT NEWS THAT IS TOTALLY TRUE AND NOT FALSE!

A Live Action BOBBY'S WORLD Movie In The Works

That's right folks the beloved 90's cartoon is being made into a live action flick and already has a director attached. Ang Lee, the director of Brokeback Mountain and more notably The Hulk has decided to put his gay monstrous spin on the classic cartoon that originally starred Howie Mandel as both Bobby Generic and Bobby's Jheri curled (note: Wikipedia says this is the correct spelling for the popular hairstyle but I'm a bit skeptical) father who's actual name slips my mind. Unfortunately the only thing that is stalling this production at the moment is Howie who is refusing to reprise his role as the head of the Generic household. Apparently the reasoning for Mandel's apprehensiveness has a great deal to do with his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The now bald Howie Mandel says he refuses to wear what he describes as a "filthy, filthy wig" and becuase of this he can not correctly portray Bobby's dad. Luckily this seems to be the only casting crisis at the moment. Fox Searchlight, the company that has greenlit the screenplay, and Ang Lee are extremely pleased that Barack Obama has become the new president elect because Sarah Palin can now officially sign on as the role of Bobby's mother. Palin was on the fence about taking the role due to the election but now that she has no vice presidential responsibilities she is "ready and raring to go, don'tcha know".  The role of Bobby's Uncle Ted has officially been given to Kevin Farley, brother of Chris Farley and star of An American Carol, that really successful spoof movie that totally ripped those jewy liberals a new one. When reached for a comment Farley exclaimed "Republicans can be funny too!" then proceeded to fart and giggle. As of now casting is still in progress for the role of Bobby but Ang Lee has high hopes. Word is there are 3 giant headed children who Lee has been extremely impressed with and has stated that it will ultimately come down to which kid gives the best foot rubs.

...So your welcome. I intend I bringing you folks the most secretiestly secret news maybe once a week or twice a month, so mark your calenders accordingly.

See you next time!

Prepare To Have The Noise And The Funk Brought To You

Oh boy, this is exciting. I'm a little nervous, a little clammy, but I think I can do this... Ok, I'm becoming a little less excited and a lot more nervous. This is a blog for Christ's sake. Billions of people from every country in the world will be reading my thoughts on pop culture. That's a lot of pressure. I don't know if I can handle that kind of power. I used to think it would be great to be able to sway the opinions of trillions of people throughout the universe on what's hip and fresh, but now it just seems overwhelming. I now know what Wilmer Valderama has to go through everyday of his life... You know what though? If Wilmer Valderama, the Desi Arnaz of the 2000s, can do it why the heck can't I? My mom said that I could do anything if I put my mind to it. She also said I was the most handsome boy in Forest Avenue Elementary. If she was right once, who's to say she can't be right again? Alright, I'm ready, as a censored Black Eyed Peas once stated, "Let's get it started in here!"

My name is Matt Leary. I'm hear to gab about what I think is important in this world, which of course is movies, TV and music. As you can see I clearly have my head on straight and my priorities in check. 

I haven't quite figured out a set structure to my unimportant ramblings so for now I figure I'll throw out a few slices of entertainment that tickle my fancy, that get get my motor running, that engorge my prostate if you will 

MUSIC: Chromeo 

Are you a fan of Hall and Oates? While listening to "Rich Girl" and eating a pot pie did you ever think to yourself "Man, I wish Daryl Hall was a funktastic Jew and John Oates was a Arab thats got more flavor then this delightful pot pie that I'm consuming"? I know, me too! That's why I listen to Chromeo! P-Thug and Dave 1 are the Arab/Jew duo that make up the fun and funked out group known as Chromeo. Did I mention they were funky, because they are. As of now they have two albums under there belt, both of which perfectly combine electronic pop hooks, funky rhythms and funny tongue in cheek lyrics about dealing with the sexy ladies in their lives. I feel like I'm forgetting to tell you guys something... oh yea, they're very  funky. If I didn't dance like a 45 year old physics professor I would be consistantly getting down to the jams of Chromeo. Go check em out 

www.myspace.com/chromeo

www.chromeo.net

That's all I've got for today, but make sure to check back soon, I'm sure I'll have even more hard hitting blurbs to throw at your face.