I'm back with a few more Leary Awards so you can now safely unclench your cheeks and release your thumb from your ass. Let'sa go!
MOVIES cont'd
THE MOVIE I"LL USE AS AN INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO FOR FATHERING A CHILD AWARD: THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Note: Yea, I know that Daniel Plainviews neglect led to H.W getting his eardrums blown out, but I think it gave the kid character
THE HOLY SHIT BEN AFFLECK CAN DIRECT AWARD: GONE BABY GONE
Note: Did you know Ben Affleck could direct? I didn't know, did you know? Cause I didn't. Did Juno? I sure as hell didn't know. Are you sure you didn't know? Don't get me wrong I don't dislike big Ben like many others seem to. He's done a few good flicks and comes across as having a good sense of humor. I just didn't know the bloke had it in him to direct a captivating crime drama that rivaled Mystic River. Ben Ooflack either suprised us with this newfound behind the camera talent, or Matt Damon secretly directed Gone Baby Gone and gave Benny the credit as a Kwanzaa gift. I'm on the fence as to which theory is true.
THE HOLY SHIT COLIN FERRELL CAN ACT AWARD: IN BRUGES:
Note: In Bruges was one of my favorite movies of 2008. It was definitely a sleeper hit because I know about 2 people who have actually seen it. This movie won a Holy Shit award along with Gone Baby Gone because Colin Farrell surprised me so much with his performance that I poo'd a little in my gym shorts. Over the years I've come to dislike Colin Farrell because he's one of those actors that's better at smoking cigarettes, wearing winter hats in summer, and being sexily incoherent than actually acting. I definitely gained some respect for the Irishman after this movie which I'm sure he thoroughly appreciated.
TELEVISION
THE REASON WHY THE TERRORISTS HATE OUR FREEDOM AWARD: EVERY DATING SHOW ON VH1
Note: Come on, really? It's like, ugh. You know? I mean, christ.
THE SHOW I REFUSE TO ADMIT IS GOING DOWN HILL (EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT IS) AWARD: SOUTH PARK
Note: The fact of the matter is though that even at it's worst it's better than 86.7% of what's currently on television.
THE SHOW I'M SURE IS FANTASTIC AWARD: MADMAN
Note: Okay, I believe you, it seems really good. I swear I'll start watching it. I would have totally started watching it this year but I hate just jumping into a show without starting from the beginning. I'm totally going to get the first season on DVD when it comes out. It's already out? Oh, well I'll Netflix it once I find the sleeves for P.S I Love Y... I mean the new Rambo and Transporter 3, because I'm a man and I rent tough shit with explosions.
FUNNIEST NEW SHOW AWARD: SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH
Note: Please watch this show. I will take it as a personal insult if you don't go to HBO On Demand and watch the whole season in one sitting
Alright, enough of that bullshit, it was becoming old hat. Now on to...
HOW TO BECOME A SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN
I myself am not a comedian. I've never claimed to be one nor have I ever attempted the art. That does not change the fact that I absolutely know what it takes to be a great comedian. It also doesn't change the fact that I could be a great stand up comedian if I felt like it, it just so happens that I don't feel like it at the moment. Maybe I'll feel like it later on, who knows. Anyway, I figured I'd help the aspiring comedians that read my blog by dishing out some top of the line tips on how to get the guffaws out of the comedy club crowd.
Tip #1: Go to as many open mics as possible. You can't get better unless you practice your craft every chance you get. Who cares if only 3 people are in the audience, make it your mission to get those 3 people laughing.
Tip #2: Do you have a goofy Hawaiian shirt or a graphic T that says "Who Farted?" or "Hispanic at the Disco"? Wear it. Nothing says comedy like a silly shirt. Think about it, you'll get the crowd laughing before you even start your material.
Tip #3: If you hair isn't naturally bleach blonde, then bleach it blonde. I don't know why this works but it does. Oh and grow a sole patch and bleach that blonde as well. Once again it's just one of those mysterious tricks of the trade.
Tip #4 Go blue. People are stupid. They love jokes about farts and bowel movements. People also love the word fuck. You should be saying fuck at least 30 times per set. Shoot for a 2 fucks per sentences goal.
Tip #5 If things are starting to go down hill use a phrase like "Is this thing on?". You see this is funny because clearly the microphone is on, unless the microphone is actually off. If this is the case do not actually say "Is this thing on?" rather go backstage and yell at whoever is running the show. Yell and yell and yell. People who put together comedy shows love a comedian with some moxy. When you go back stage and say that the head of the show "better turn on the goddamn microphone or else you're going to stick your Keds up his dickhole", you're showing everyone involved that you're a professional who takes his comedy seriously.
Those were just 5 solid tips to help you out in your comedy career. I have plenty more but I obviously can't give away all my secrets in one sitting. If you use these morsels of advice when hitting the stage then your welcome. It must feel great on top. When your up their though don't forget to give me a little shout out! Just kidding, just knowing that you made it is enough of a reward for me.
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