Jus havin' fun ya'll!

Today at my internship I had to collect some clips of all star comedian George Lopez (don't worry it's to display his lack of comedic ability). Whilst doing my chore I decided to make a fun mash up to show all you folks at home what I will view and hear if (when) I go to hell...

You Decide!

Nick Nolte's son, Brawley, was recently arrested for a DUI, like father like son blah blah blah.

Anyway, this news blip got me thinking...

If Gary Busey is the poor man's Nick Nolte...









Is Jake Busey the poor man's Brawley Notle?

Singing Contest! Yay!

Who sings Disturbed better?





I for one am down with the sickness of the second one but I'm not a sexually confused British man so what do I know?

Hey Jonathan Limpnicki, I have a Tumblr!

Ok, so I've got myself a Tumblr, but only because my internship requires me to do so... but I secretly enjoy it, don't tell anyone... seriously, don't be snitchin' or I'ma cut you.

Here's a link


It lacks that lengthy, bullshitty feel that you get from this blog, but it's still wicked ahsome

Do You Like Nature?

So I was surfing the interweb, catching gnarly digital waves, when I came across a wonderful new web series. It's a nature program that is extremely informative but also lighthearted and fun. You don't even have to be a nature buff to enjoy this series.

Take a look!



See, isn't it fun? And that Anton is extremely handsome.

I am very hungover so I'm going to take the easy way out and just post a video for you folks. I'm not going to attempt to be witty or cute I'm just going to post the video and go back to eating Cheez-its (White Chedder), drinking a 24 oz. can of Miller Light and watching Police Academy 3. Listen I know your bummed out because I'm not "bringing the funny"  but trust me once you watch this video reading my bullshit will forever become obsolete. 

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Jeremy Frederick Wilson

Nice Trip, See you next Autumn!

Wait thats not right... nonetheless (that's one word?) the Fall is coming boys and ghouls, and that means new TV shows! Don't get too excited five people reading my blog, most of the new shows sound like they were pitched by retarded 4 year olds and greenlit by autistic 7 year olds (not Aspergers autistic though, they would have better taste)

To celebrate the influx of new bullshitty television shows we're going to playz a game.

It's called... *drum roll on my desk*

WHICH SHOW IDEA DID I MAKE UP, SON?

RULES: I'm going to give you 4 show premises, one will be fake and the other three will be real. It your job to figure out which show I cleverly created in my own noggin.

Post your answer in the comments section and if you get it right you win a prize*!

Let's do it

Teen Wolf - A show based on the hit 1985 movie. Michael J. Fox will not be in it... no, I'm not going to make a joke. MJ Fox is too cool to feel my innappropiate internet wrath.

Melrose Place - "Uh Matt, that's not new", shut up, it's a remake. It's set to premiere this fall on the CW (which I believe stands for Cunt Wings, either that or CBS and WB... I'm pretty sure it's Cunt Wings though.

Don't Wake Daddy - A new TV show based on the classic board game. The premise of the show is very similar to the game, in that four kids do there best to walk around the house without waking their alcoholic father. The father will wear an old timey santa claus style pajama hat just like in the board game so get excited.

House Husbands of Hollywood - The Fox Reality Channel is set to premiere this totally real look at gold digging stay at home dads. I'm assuming it's them being filmed as they smoke some weed, jerk off, make a sandwich, jerk off, take a nap, jerk off, and then jerk off... that's what every guys does when they are home all day by themselves, if you disagree you're a lying sack.

Which one did I make up? I'll give you babydolls the answer tomorrow.


*I'm still not going to give anyone a prize

Scandalous Scandals!

Boobs!!! So new nude photos of Vanessa Hudgens have surfaced. For those of you who don't know who Vanessa Hudgens is, she's the girl who went to that high school where everyone sang and danced sporadically... I think it's in Michigan. She had a nude photo hit da web about 2 years ago and everyone peed and pooed about it and NOW THERE'S MORE!! I for one am appalled (my penis however is not). Anywho, it's a big stinky deal because her lawyer is saying that she took those pictures when she was 17 and nude 17 year old girls on the web is mad illegal. 

This is pretty big news but I have even bigger news. 

Underage nude pictures of Selena Gomez, who is a Disney tart similar to Vanessa, were hacked from her cell phone and put online.... and I have them! Here you go, perverts

Selena clothed

Selena's dirty underage nude photo...

Whoever hacked into Selena's phone and posted this photo should be in fucking Riker's. Selena Gomez isn't even 18 years old! She shouldn't be looked at as a sex symbol let alone be shown in the buck! Let's hope the hacker is found, strangled, chopped up, put in a suitcase,  and thrown in a dumpster. The person who does this should then call the police, report the hacker missing, then kill himself after he realizes he's not getting away with the murder. The guy who killed the hacker should also win the third season of VH1's I Love Money, which has yet to be aired.

If anyone can name the murder story I just alluded to through my bullshit story  I'll give you a prize*!

*I won't give you a prize

Everyone Needs To Hear This Band!

I just found the most dopest, illest, crunkest, funk-crustiest, alligator raping, emotionally shatastic, rip-ticklin', filth-frolicking, slippery, fun, delightful, toe sucking band ever!

Brokencyde!

Look at these guys. I liked these guys before I even heard their music. Just really look at them... Have you fully looked at them? 

Good, now you see what I'm talking about. Did you notice the coolest part about this picture? The one guy not wearing sunglasses has a shirt with sunglasses on it! A Shirt! With Sunglasses! 

oh wait... one of the sunglassed guys has a shirt with sunglasses as well... that takes away from the cool factor just a wee bit, but still these guys created cool, fucked it, fed it a lobster dinner, and then took it to see G-Force. 

Let's take a listen, shall we?

My ears are bleeding... bleeding with musical satisfaction

I'm not being sarcastic, that's not my style

Fat Kids in Tevas

As I stated yesterday, Christopher Reach and I have a new little comic strip project, and I am happy to say that we have the first one done, son. We have also decided on a name for the comic. As of now it is called Fat Kids in Tevas because today at work I saw a fat kid wearing Tevas. I like the name at the moment but it's subject to change. Anywho, enjoy the first comic in our rockin' series. Nookie!

The Hess Truck is Back!

Sorry I haven't been writing anything lately

I've been too busy wearing these sunglasses 

BUT...

but, but, but my artistic compatriot, Christopher Reach, and I are creating a comic strip which I will be posting on this lovely blog of mine. Chris is like Van Gogh but with more ears, so the drawings will be supreme. We have one done already and I'll be posting it within the next day or two! Excitement! 

In the mean time feel free to comment on how Xtreme I look in the picture above. 

I Have Nothing to Write

Remember when Owen Wilson tried to kill himself?

That was weird

Atheists Rejoice!

I have concrete proof there is no God....

This movie exists

Wait a minute...

Has anyone noticed that the little kid from Cop and a Half looks and acts exactly like Samuel L. Jackson?

                                   

                    

Psh, of course you have. Sorry for insulting your intelligence.

But seriously, throw a Kangol hat on that kid and you could convince me that the ten year old Samuel L. Jackson found a time machine and sent himself to the year 1993 to star alongside Burt Reynolds... 

or maybe Henry Winkler had access to a time machine, went back to 1958, grabbed Sammy L, brought him to Hollywood circa 1993 and then directed Cop and a Half.

Oh by the way Henry Winkler (the Fonz) directed Cop and a Half. I am full of so much awesome celebrity info today it's refunkulous

Oh Fuey!... Kung Fuey that is

In a crazy turn of events David Carradine, star of the 70's television action-karatefest Kung Fu, was found dead on June 3rd in Bangkok, Thailand.  He was apparently found hanging naked in his hotel closet. At first the police thought it was a suicide but the rope tied around his dick made the homicide detectives ponderously stroke their mustaches. Blah blah how crazy, David Carradine died while performing  a version of auto erotic asphyxiation that even weirder than normal auto erotic asphyxiation blah blah blah... that's not what's important and interesting. Want to know what is?

David Carradine's brother is none other than Robert Carradine!

Robert fucking Carradine!

You know... Robert?...Carradine?

Ugh you people are impossible

The Kung Fu guy's brother is Louis Skolnick from Revenge of the Nerds, brah!

See, now the story is interesting 

It is actaully pretty sad that David Carradine parished so in his honor I'm going to "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" him.

David Carradine was in Kill Bill with Uma Thurman who was in Johnny Be Good with Robert Downey Jr. who was in Bowfinger with Heather Graham who was in Boogie Nights with Don Cheadle who was in Ocean's 11 with Brad Pitt who got raped by Kevin Bacon in Sleepers. 

I know that was seven degrees but I wasn't a huge fan of David Carradine so I'm not going to sweat it.  R.I.P you karate kicking crusader (more alliteration!)

Wait, do you count just the actors when you play Six Degree of Kevin Bacon or the actors and the movies? Let me know asap.

Without Geography, You Are Nowhere

Before I get started I just want to point out that my last post is dated March something or other, but it was actually posted May something or other. So dats dat motherfuckas!

Anycock, I was shopping at Whole Foods today, because I'm not a barbarian. Whilst in the parking lot I saw a Hyundai Sonata (first car that came to mind, probably not the actual make and/or model) with an interesting bumper sticker. The sticker read "Without Geography, You Are Nowhere". I would say that about 99.9% of the time bumper stickers convey the drivers opinions about a topic that is wildly debated and significantly topical. Some examples include "No Blood For Oil",  "Support Our Troops", the Jesus fish with legs that says "Darwin" in it (Darwin believed Jesus had fish legs? I don't fully understand that one, but I know it's thought provoking), and of course  the "DMB" in the white circle. Because I am aware of this knowledge it makes me wonder why I have not known about the Anti-Geography movement until now. If there is an upper-class Montclairian out there with a bumper sticker that supports geography then clearly there are geography naysayers out there. That means there are geographobes out roaming the streets who wouldn't think twice about cunningly catching and killing a cartographer in cold blood (alliteration!).  

                                       

                  "FUCK YOU MAP!"

I for one support geography. Although I cannot successfully show someone where each of the 50 United States go on a map, I do  have a love for GPS systems and enjoy calling Maine "America's Catcher's Mit". So this is a warning to all you Geography Nazi's out there...

You better skip town and skip town fast. If you need a map let me know...(*gun noises*)... motherfucker 

"It's been a while" - Aaron Lewis of Staind

I think it's important that I talk about Chris Brown and Rihanna before I start talking about my absence from the interweb. I don't think they've been discussed enough in the media so I'm taking it upon myself to get the job done...

Isn't Chris Brown and super good dancer? It's crazy. The guy has some serious twinkle toes. He is light on his feet to say the least. To say the most... he straight up walks on clouds.  He's pretty handsome to boot. I bet he has to beat the ladies off with a stick

Rihanna's got some serious talent as well. She's got a dynamite voice plus she can pull off a really short hair cut which most ladies can not do.  Did you know she was born in Barbados? I didn't.

Now that I've got that out of the way it's time to apologize...

I'm sorry it has taken me months to write on this here blog and I'm also sorry that I made a Chris Brown and Rihanna joke a good 2 months after people stopped caring about their disturbia-ing situation. 

But listen folks, I'm a busy guy and sometimes things fall by the way side. I mean, I work a grueling 25 to 30 hour work week, I masturbate a lot, and I chase butterflies. Not enough hours in the day my friends, knot enuff ours in the dey.

All things aside, the main reason why I've been neglecting my blogsponsibilites has to do with my consistent consumption of...

JOOSE!

9.9% alcohol!

Caffeine! Taurine! Ginseng!

23 fluid fucking ounces! Fuck even numbers!

Go clubbin' till the break of dawn! Climb a mountain with no harness! Piss concentrated evil out of your dick! Fight a child with a sword! Sexually harass your cousin! JOOSE!

Are you Joosen yet?

Seriously go to drinkjoose.com, it's absurd.

 

P.S This is a picture of an unrelated R&B group named Joose. It's completely coincidental... although the members of Joose do in fact drink Joose. I interviewed them about it.

Barack and the Hawk, Jordan and Howie... Wowey Zowey!

Everyone is super pumped that Barack Obama is officially the 44th President of the United States of America and I certainly don't blame them. I know everyone has Barack and Roll playing through their noggins but that doesn't mean we should ignore the fact that Tony Hawk is still the president of the United Sk8s of Shredmerica. Our American heroes need equal coverage, and  if you ask me the Hawkster definitely got the short end of the stick this past January. I for one ceebrated the beginning of Tony's 5th term by slamming Mountain Dew and listening to Blink 182's Dude Ranch

On a related note I have some...

COMPLETELY TRUE ENTERTAINMENT NEWS THAT IS TOTALLY TRUE AND NOT FALSE

As many know, Howie Mandel has a brand new prank show, "Howie Do It", on NBC. I have recently found out that the most popular R&B artist of 1995, Montell Jordan, is saying "Howie Don't It" and sueing Mandel for copyright infringement. Montell Jordan was celebrated mainly for his dope club jam "This Is How We Do It" and his performance of said jam in the Box Office smash, Def Jam's How To Be A Player. Mandel was served for copyright infringement due to the fact that his theme song for "Howie Do It" is an obvious rip off of Jordan's "This Is How We Do It". Mandel is hoping to settle this case out of court and word has it that he has offered Montell Jordan next month's rent, a pack of grape flavor Big League Chew, and a subscription to Highlights magazine. When reached for comment Jordan exclaimed, "Shalalalalala lowwwww"

That's all I got for you today. I'll be back tomorrow with an in depth review of Hotel for Dogs, or as I like to call it, Hotel for Dawgs.

The Best Consumer Product of 2009

So I bought a Snuggie yesterday. If you are unaware of the Snuggie phenomenon let me fro dat information at yo azz. The Snuggie  is a blanket, but it's not just any blanket. It's a blanket with... wait for it... waaaait for it... waaaai fo i.... 

SLEEVES!

What? Sleeves? Doesn't that just make it look like a cult-like robe or a Klan outfit without the hood or the racist fabric? 

Uh no! Jerks. It's a goddamn blanket with sleeves and it keeps my arms warm when I need use the remote control, scratch or pick the orifices of my face, or eat delicious sandwiches.