Vampires have become extremely popular these days. The undead are now the main characters in box office crushing films and stylized HBO series. While you're watching your True Twilights and your Twilight Bloods (yes I know those are incorrect titles, I'm trying to sound like I'm too cool to remember what they're actually called) remember this... not everyone is pleased about the new influx of vampires in the spotlight. I know you are probably audibly asking me what people I'm referring to as you intently read my blog. Well I'll tell you what people, people. People like my friend Jeff. That's right, Jeff is not a happy camper. Jeff is my friend, and my friend Jeff is vampire. Jeff is a real person and my friend... and an undead being with a lust for blood (technically making him not a person, but ya'll nah wa I'm sayin'). I know it's easy to believe that I have a vampire friend so I'm sure there won't be any naysaying from the peanut gallery.
When I realized how perturbed Jeff was about this whole vampire craze I called a bunch of my big shot producer friends to see if any new vamp series or vamp films were in the works. Well ladies and gentlemen there are, and I had the unfortunate duty of telling Jeff that the new Bachelor is going to be a vampire, Interview with the Vampire is being retooled into a three camera sitcom, and Patrick Swayze's new cop drama "The Beast" is set to premiere on A&E much sooner than expected. Needless to say Jeff was livid. Liv-ah-id.
Jeff is actually here with me right now and I decided to let him take over the typewriter and express his feelings on what he considers "a worldwide bat-tastrophy".
The floor is yours Jeff
Jeff: Thank you Matt. Before I begin I'd like to let everyone know that I did not say bat-tastrophy. I actually find that play on words to be in very bad taste and think that Matt should be ashamed of himself. Speaking of ashamed, you should all be ashamed of yourselves as well. I can't believe you, the American people, the proud and the few are accepting, even cheering this false depiction of vampires in the media. I am a true vampire and I'm here to put the word out that the vampires you see in Twilight, True Blood, and Blade III are completely inaccurate. When I see these actors pretending to be vampires it's like I'm an African American watching a minstrel show, or Wayne Brady improv showcase. It's downright offensive. First off, vampires do not look like heroin chic models, alright? We don't wear pricey Dolce and Gabbana jeans and have sexy bed head. We have slicked back black hair, black capes with red velvet inseams and puffy white tuxedo shirts. Sometimes we wear vests, it depends on our mood, okay? Most importantly folks, we all have widows peaks, no exceptions. This is the way we dress and do our hair and last I checked it's always been this way... and yes I check a lot. To turn on HBO and see a leather clad BLONDE HAIRED vampire makes me spin in my grave. Annnnd another thing! Not once in Twilight or True Blood does a vampire say "I vant to suck your blood" before actually doing the deed. That is what we say! Not a feeding goes by where we do not recite those lines! Christ, did you "writers" even do your research? Oh, oh, oh annnnd anoootttthhhhher thhhhing! True Blood is set in Louisiana! We do not reside in Louisiana. The only place we reside is Transilvania... and sometimes we move to coal mining towns outside of Pittsburgh, but only for a few years at a time! I need to go, the sun is coming up and I need to cool my jets with a nice cat nap. Fuck you America, and fuck you Matt!
Hey, it's Matt again. Doesn't he mean a nice bat nap?Har har har oh well.
While I still have you here I figure I'll recommend a great music site. It's called
www.daytrotter.com
It's one of the better places for discovering new music. What they do is have bands come into their studio and record what they like to call a "Daytrotter session", fancy I know. After they post these recordings you folks get to download them and put them on the ol' ipod contraption. A lot of times the bands will play songs from their newest albums and also some unreleased tracks which I think is totally fresh. Some of the sessions I recommend checking out are:
Ra Ra Riot
Margot and the Nuclear So and So's
Bon Iver
Vampire Weekend
The Mountain Goats
Dr. Dog
The National
What's also cool is that they have the sessions streaming so you don't have to download them if you don't want to. SUPER!
I'll see you next time with the rest of the 1st Annual Leary Awards
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